Hey Guy

So last Saturday I offered my wing-woman services for a friend. She was going to meet her boyfriend, who was having a bro-day watching an inappropriate amount of football. She needed a buddy. I grabbed my bicycle and made my way downtown to meet up with her and the boys. It all started innocent enough. We met at a beer bar downtown. Ya know, one of those places, where the record skips if you order a Miller Lite. I ordered my seasonal favorite, Shipyard Pumpkinhead, which tastes like Fall in a beer. It’s amazing. Fast forward past a few more beers and me breaking down and smoking ciggys. We decided to head around the corner to their “Cheers”. Apparently these boys don’t pay for drinks here. It gets festive to put it mildly. At one point I was singing “All out of Love” to a complete stranger. At the time, I thought we were singing to each other but I’m fairly certain I was the only one doing the singing. It’s worth mentioning that I have to be up to play golf pretty darn early the next morning. One of the guys I’m drinking with was a pro golfer. So I proceeded to show him my golf swing and pre-shot routine. All awesome ideas in a crowded bar on a Saturday night. Thank Jesus I’m not single. No wonder why when I was single, I stayed single for long periods of time. I realized it was time to go but not before I grabbed two cigarettes for the bike ride home. Go big or go home I guess?

Let me paint a picture here. I’m on my old Schwinn Stingray. So thankfully, I can put my feet down and there’s no chance of falling off. I’m holding onto the handlebars, my little clutch under one elbow and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I was so worried about navigating traffic I didn’t want to take one hand off the handlebars to take a drag; therefore, the cigarette stays attached to my lips. After a few minutes, the smoke starts just burning my throat and my eyes. So I’m squinting, coughing…it’s getting ridiculous…and I have to be up in, oh, like, 5 hours.

I was a mess the next day. I actually didn’t play too badly but I think I came very close to falling asleep on the golf cart steering wheel the 15th fairway.