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Mega-Baby Is On a Murderous Rampage From Eating All of Mother’s Depressing Feelings

Longmont, CO-  Eyewitnesses report seeing a mammoth child destroying buildings with its flailing hands and jumping up and down on city sidewalks as if they are the child’s own personal sandbox.  The death toll has risen to 58 and the number of injuries is growing in the hundreds.  Authorities are attributing the baby’s wild anger to having been fed the mother’s feelings of anxiety for the last 18 months.

We tracked down the mega-baby’s mother,  Tammy Lynn Swanson to get a better understanding of the events that precipitated this infant’s rampage.  Swanson seemed unwilling to grasp the notion that feeding her baby her feelings of helplessness and worthlessness has literally created an infant monster of doom.  Swanson mumbled incoherently in her insane fog of depression, as we asked her repeatedly why she didn’t seek counseling and assured her that a lot of women have these problems.  Adding more fuel to this baby’s fire rage are Tammy Lynn’s horrible, post-pregnancy body issues. 

Moments before Mega-Baby hurled this truck into the side of the mountain

Authorities warned residents of the powder keg of a child this woman unknowingly created.  Police Chief Wayne Anderson stated that local authorities have agreed this is a situation beyond their control and have called in The National Guard.  “Until this baby calms down we have declared Marshall law and imposed strict curfews to keep the casualties down.  This monster baby is so fueled with rage, it’s best to stayed indoors until we get this situation under control.”