Yesterday, a North Carolina man engaged in a small gun fight and stand-off with local police. A neighbor called the cops when they saw one Jimmy Burleson, sitting naked on his porch, holding a gun and yelling out to God. After a small exchange of gun fire with the responding cops, Jimmy retreated into his house. This prompted officers to shoot tear gas into the house and send in not one, but two robots (the first robot broke down) with audio and visual capabilities to coax Jimmy from the confines of his North Carolina dwelling.
Reporters had the chance but there was nary a pun concerning this naked member of society, or an admiration of force the police thrust upon this man’s domain. Here are some alternate headlines I have come up with:
Police Force Reporting a Sudden Need for Taller, More Eye-Level, Robots
Oh The junk! Not to Mention His Place is a Mess
He stood Naked before God. The police as Well
Naked Gun 4: Inches
Once Visual Contact Was Made the Standoff Came to a Satisfying, Abrupt End
Standoff Went Limp After First Police Robot Broke Down
Police Respond to Naked-Gun-Wielding Man With a Thrust of Furious Force
After Standoff, Naked Suspect Will Remain in the Hospital Pending a Full Frontal Lobe Examination
A Quiet Quiver of Bliss Came Over the Neighbors Upon Seeing the Naked Man Come Out in Handcuffs
Jimmy Albert Burleson is No Longer Master of His Domain
Author’s Note: I am not a professional journalist and I think this post clearly shows that. However, I want to hone my skills and be paid a disgusting amount of money to merely write headlines for The Onion.