*Author’s Note: Today’s post is for the dirty minds. The over-sexed monsters out there. This post is NC-17. So turn on some Marvin Gaye, Barry White or NWA and let’s get it on. And stop reading if you don’t like over the top ridiculous porno speak.
My friends often come to me for answers. They appreciate my wise, sage ass and the advice I dole out. Especially when it comes to matters of the flesh. Oh yes.
A few years back a friend of mine, (Don’t worry friend I won’t say your name. I’ll call you Leon.) approached me rather sheepishly. Leon is never shy, so I asked her what was the matter. Leon started to tell me that she’s dating someone who likes to talk in bed. This person doesn’t want to do all the talking and would appreciate a little verbal give and take. Leon wasn’t sure if she was up to the task because her partner’s talk was vivid. It bears repeating that Leon is by no means shy but this had her rattled. I’m not quite sure why Leon thought that I had some hardcore bedroom lines. No matter though, Leon came to me, her trusted, very dear, very odd friend. I had to help.
The wheels started turning so fast, I was almost embarrassed at how quickly I perked up. Almost.
These are some of the ideas I threw out at her:
I wanna give you a coffee enema and drink it in the morning with cream and sugar.
(From behind) I’m gonna go so deep inside I’m gonna be able to wave at you baby.
Time to go to the A-T-M and make a deposit (sadly I had to explain what A-T-M meant and then she looked at me in disgust).
Baby, pack your bags, I’m gonna take you to pound-town.
I wanna dip my toes in ya.
I’m gonna butter yer english muffin (this would’ve been amazing if Leon’s partner was British).
Tonight, you’re my hobby-horse.
I had to stop because people started to stare. Leon was impressed and disgusted with me. I was, impressed and disgusted with myself as well. However, I continued to sit at the table and smiled smugly because I knew I had helped out a friend in need.