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Aries : Mar 21 – Apr 19

It’s time to take a good, long look at yourself and realize you look like shit.

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20

You will reconnect with an old friend this week.  Then you will wake up in his bed with a massive hangover and wad your panties up in your purse so you can get home and take a shame shower.

Gemini: May 21 – Jun 21

Check back next week because there’s nothing going on with you worth mentioning.

Cancer: Jun 22 – Jul 22

That thing, you hoped would go away….yea, it’s not a rash.  Get that checked out soon. 

Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22

With the Saturn moon rising in your fifth house this is a perfect time for you to clean your refrigerator out because that smell is only getting worse.

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sept 22

History repeats itself, just like those tacos you ate last night.

Libra: Sept 23 – Oct 23

Failure is not an option, unless we are talking about your resolution to lose weight. 

Scorpio: Oct 24 – Nov 21

Boys will be boys.  Take heed, he did not erase those pictures like he promised.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21

Everyone is still out to get you.  Nothing has changed on that front.

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19

Your status update this morning got you hidden by 3 friends.

Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18

You have been successful at eliminating processed foods and are on the right track towards healthy living.  All of that won’t matter when you forget to look both ways before crossing the street this afternoon and get clocked by the 2:15 bus heading downtown. 

Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20

Stop spending an inordinate amount of money on diamond face cream.  It’s not doing you or your kid’s college fund any favors.