Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You may not have the riches of a rock star but you sure are going to die like one this week.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
You will dance like nobody is watching. But they are. They all are and they are laughing at you.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Big decisions on the horizon. Keep your mind clear. When the cute twinkie at the end of the bar asks you to join the circle jerk in the handicap stall you’ll be glad you opted out of that last shot of whiskey.
Gemini: May 21 – June 21
Everything with your new love interest is going well. You have had 5 successful dates. It all grinds to a halt when you
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
That cute guy at the office will finally notice you. Get ready because he’s going to approach you and ask all about your friend who joined your co-workers at happy hour last week.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Some people say, “Fake it ’til you make it.” Truer words have never been spoken until you to train a new employee and you simply cannot fake it anymore.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Jupiter is in your rising house. It’s time for courage and honesty. However, your honest admissions are dulled by the fact that everyone already knew you are gay.
Libra: September 23 – October 23
Keep your emotions in check or else you are going to drunk, ugly cry in a crowded bar. Again.
Scorpio: October 24 – November 21
An Irishman walks out of a bar. The only reason that could happen is because you insist on choosing Truly Madly Deeply for your karaoke song.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Your love life is in shambles. Your family isn’t speaking to you but Jesus loves you.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Worry no more. You now know where your next meal is coming from thanks to the coupon your boss just passed out for 6 free chicken wings.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
A great battle is looming. Your strength will be tested. Your mind will be challenged. But your colon will suffer when you compete in a hot wing challenge in an effort to redeem yourself after you lost a draw-off.