Cut to 5 years ago. I had just moved out of my friend’s house and gotten my own apartment. The Masshole and I were broken up. At the time we were trying to be friends. Mostly because we shared a lot of the same friends and it was near impossible to extricate her from my life. Plus her birthday was right around the corner and we had bought Fleetwood Mac tickets with two other friends to celebrate. I was trying to act cool about the situation and did a pretty good job of it. Mainly, I just wanted to be around her. I missed the fuck out of her.
I was in my new apartment for about a week. In that week I learned I had some weirdly aggressive, bordering on scary neighbors. One late night, one of them, opened and slammed shut the front door about 10 times in a row (our front doors were right next to each other), then she got in her car and turned the headlights on so they shined in my bedroom all while blaring Billy Joel’s You May Be Right. So loud I heard every word clear as day. I may be right, you are crazy! I parked in the driveway when I first moved in and I think she didn’t like that. Maybe she was metaphorically peeing in the driveway that night. They sucked at life. They were good at smoking cigarettes and drinking Mountain Dew.
I had a moment of unintended, sweet revenge though. The Masshole and I were with a group of friends at a pool party. She offered to take me home because we now lived less than a mile away from each other. She pulled in my driveway and we said goodbye. With the courage a couple beers give a person, I wryly asked her if she needed to come in to use the bathroom. “You have a long drive home, are you sure you don’t need to come inside?” She laughed me off like usual and drove away. Not 5 minutes later, she called me and asked why I didn’t answer the door. “What do you mean?” I said. I was out back with my dog so I didn’t hear her knock. “Come back now” I said. She said that the moment had passed and it was probably for the best. She was going back home. I grabbed my car keys, opened the front door and she was standing there. It was on. It was so on, I forgot to shut the front door. The front door stayed open for however long it takes for the Kings of Leon album If Only by the Night to play 1.5 times.